Do I believe....or not?

The stress of everything that's going on with Danny's health, the death in Luke's family, Brian's mom dying, etc....plus my usual stuff. You know, working 70+ hours a week, trying to keep up with my house because I'm an OCD clean freak, spending time with my kids, trying to get some sleep, promoting my business, on and on and on....all of it has taken a toll on me. I am tired.I am so tired that when I hear other people bitching that they only got 6 hours of sleep I feel like smacking them. Because I would kill to get 6 hours a night. Last weekend I slept 7 to 8 hours two nights in a row and I woke up feeling like crap because it just wasn't enough sleep to catch up on the last damn year of getting hardly any.

I know that I am blessed. I know that I live a good life. I know that my life could be worse (because it has been). And my life is FAR from BAD. I am happy. I'm loved. My kids are awesome. I have great friends. Fabulous family. Truly incredible boyfriend. A beautiful home, a flourishing business, no financial issues(anymore. LOL!), etc. BUT - no matter how happy a person is - everyone has that point where they've reached their limit. And I've reached mine. Inside, I'm crumbling. I'm trying to stay strong on the outside because I have to be for my kids. And I have to be so that my business can keep moving along. And I have to be for Danny, because he's always been strong for me. But I've reached my breaking point and last night was it. I cried so damn hard last night that I look like I got punched in the eyes today. :(

yesterday was a very scary day. Danny woke up puking and didn't stop most of the day. He went to work and I went up there at lunch. He was white as a ghost and I can't even explain to you how sick he looked. I called his dr's office and basically informed them they were giving him something for nausea to get him through to his next dr's appt. The nurse was a huge bitch, so I asked for her boss. Her boss was a bitch so I asked for the dr. The Dr. was as nice as can be and called in a prescription immediately for him. It made him stop puking but he still felt really really ill all day. When I got home from work yesterday he looked worse than he did on  my lunch break. He's miserable :(

He went to bed at 8 pm. I tried to work but I was just worried about him so I went to bed around 10 and he was still awake. I asked how he felt and he could just told me that he is sicking of fighting to just take a good deep breath without hurting. he's sick of not being able to breathe without feeling like someone is sitting on his chest. He's sick of being sick. He's truly miserable and it just broke my heart in a milion pieces to hear him talk about how he is feeling. He finally fell asleep and I laid with my head on his shoulder and listened to him breathing.

I cried for over 2 hours just laying there listening to him breathing. I'm no doctor, and don't claim to know a damn thing but what I do know is that his breathing doesn't sound normal. You can hear him struggling with nearly every breath and I can't explain to you how I felt laying there. I was terrified to fall asleep...what if he stopped breathing? I wouldn't be able to help him if I was asleep. It was pure torture for me laying there. After about 2 hours of sobbing (he slept through all of it thanks to sleeping pills) and listening to him breathing I just felt this weird sense of calm. I have no idea why but I remembered something that a friend texted me the other day..."Let go and let God" At the time I was annoyed because this certain friend is somewhat pushy with religion when it comes to me. She knows I have so many doubts, so many questions and she knows that I'm just unsure of what my beliefs even are. And to be honest, I don't even have the time to think about what they are lately because the few hours of night that I have when I'm not working or with the kids, I try to sleep.

I repeated that phrase in my head a few times and before I knew it I was praying. Really praying....like I haven't in a very long time. And it didn't feel weird. It felt right. And I haven't been able to say that for a VERY long time. I feel a little better today after my sob session and praying about it.

Maybe I do need to just "let go and let God". It's just hard sometimes because I don't have the time to sort out my feelings or even think about my faith, if I even have one.

It's Time.

Now that summer is here my kids have been really unhappy that I have to go to work Monday through Friday. My 4 year old hugged me extra tight this morning and said, "Mama can't you just stay home today?" and I wanted to cry. I've been doing this working mom thing for too long. It kills me that someone else is spending the day with my kids and doing all of the fun things I want to be doing with them.

I planned on quitting my day job at the end of the summer already. But I have had my doubts. Am I making the right decision? Financially will I be hurting because of it? I planned on running my business from home which obviously does generate some income but I would be missing over half of my current income by quitting my day job. Then on Friday, I got a call. A call about a possible job opportunity. It's so close to being a done deal. And it would be something I can do at home, and make the same amount of $$ I make at my day job. No commuting. No daycare. No insane gas expenses. And home...with my kids. Able to go to everything I want to at their school. Able to take them to the pool on a Wednesday just because.

Keep your fingers crossed for me. I am praying this all falls into place. I need it to, and so do my kids.  It's becoming very apparent that they miss me a lot more than I ever thought -  when I'm at work. It's time.

♥ Quick

I've been driven all my life by a spirit of adventure and a criminal level of optimism. I believed in my dreams because they were my only option. The people who make it to the top - whether they're musicians, or great chefs, or corportate honchos - are addicted to their calling. The people who get the call are the ones who'd be doing whatever it is they love, even if they weren't being paid. - Quincy Jones

I love this quote. I came across it today and it just really made me stop and think. I'll write more tomorrow :)

♥For Life

Many of you suggested that I propose to Danny. While I think that's a sweet idea, and know women who have done this....I won't. My views on this are pretty traditional and I think he should ask me. That's just how I see it. And that means I have to wait until he does. And bitch about it in the mean time.

Here is what I know for sure....

I know he loves me very much. I know he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. I know that I have no reason to doubt any of that. Sometimes my past creeps up on me and fucks with my brain - causing me to have moments of weakness. Moments that make me wonder if he really does love me. And moments that make me wonder if he'll never ask me to marry him. Then I snap out of it and realize that's just the crazy talking.

It still sucks to have to wait around because I know it will happen eventually. There is no doubt in my mind that we're ready. It's just a matter of him taking the next step and popping the question. I think the reason it's so hard for me to wait is because things are just going so well. We bought our first house at the beginning of the year. The kids are happy and settled. His job is great. My business has taken off. There are just so many great things going on. I just want it to be official.



So I'll wait. Because I love him. And being annoyed by the wait will never be enough to make me run away. I'm in it for life. The End ;)

Engagements All Around....Just Not Mine.

So it happened, another text from another friend that reads: "Guess what? I'm engaged!"

After that, a picture sent to me of the "bling".

Then comes all of the congratulations messages on her Facebook wall. of course I see those because we have all of the same friends.

It stings. It makes me want to cry. Why isn't it me? She's just been with her fiance for barely a year. We're working on 3-1/2. We have a mortgage. We are doing everything married people do, but we aren't married.

I am happy for my friends that have gotten engaged recently. But it really really hurts me that it's not me. I know that he wants to marry me. He tells me all the time. So what is he waiting for?

Things like this make the paranoid side come out of me. Is something wrong with me? Is there something he is unsure of? Truthfully, I know that's not the case. But when I get upset, it's easy to let my mind wander.

I of course cannot tell my friends about this, because I don't want to take away from their happiness. Which leaves me NO ONE to talk to about it because I don't want to tell him and make him feel pressured. He already knows I'd marry him tomorrow if he asked me to.

I just want to know, when will it be me?

Head over to Shell's blog and link up.

♥ Bitter Bitch.

Another engagement announced....

And it's not mine.

Yep, I'm bitter. Will write more later when I'm not being a brat.

♥ Powerful Beyond Measure

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

- Marianne Williamson

Things are absolutely crazy around here. Not in a bad way. In a great way. Things are moving very quickly and I love it! It's nice to have found what I want to do. And it's nice to be pretty good at it too ;)

I've always been semi-confident. There were years in my life that were harder where I let my confidence dip. But I'm happy to say, that is no longer the case. And my business has really created even more confidence in me. It's pretty exhilirating to feel great about what I'm doing, see the financial gain, and literally feel the confidence that I was missing for so long.

I will be blogging again. I have lots of posts written that I had been holding off on posting. But I'm back. Regularly. :) Break is over :)