Do I believe....or not?

The stress of everything that's going on with Danny's health, the death in Luke's family, Brian's mom dying, etc....plus my usual stuff. You know, working 70+ hours a week, trying to keep up with my house because I'm an OCD clean freak, spending time with my kids, trying to get some sleep, promoting my business, on and on and on....all of it has taken a toll on me. I am tired.I am so tired that when I hear other people bitching that they only got 6 hours of sleep I feel like smacking them. Because I would kill to get 6 hours a night. Last weekend I slept 7 to 8 hours two nights in a row and I woke up feeling like crap because it just wasn't enough sleep to catch up on the last damn year of getting hardly any.

I know that I am blessed. I know that I live a good life. I know that my life could be worse (because it has been). And my life is FAR from BAD. I am happy. I'm loved. My kids are awesome. I have great friends. Fabulous family. Truly incredible boyfriend. A beautiful home, a flourishing business, no financial issues(anymore. LOL!), etc. BUT - no matter how happy a person is - everyone has that point where they've reached their limit. And I've reached mine. Inside, I'm crumbling. I'm trying to stay strong on the outside because I have to be for my kids. And I have to be so that my business can keep moving along. And I have to be for Danny, because he's always been strong for me. But I've reached my breaking point and last night was it. I cried so damn hard last night that I look like I got punched in the eyes today. :(

yesterday was a very scary day. Danny woke up puking and didn't stop most of the day. He went to work and I went up there at lunch. He was white as a ghost and I can't even explain to you how sick he looked. I called his dr's office and basically informed them they were giving him something for nausea to get him through to his next dr's appt. The nurse was a huge bitch, so I asked for her boss. Her boss was a bitch so I asked for the dr. The Dr. was as nice as can be and called in a prescription immediately for him. It made him stop puking but he still felt really really ill all day. When I got home from work yesterday he looked worse than he did on  my lunch break. He's miserable :(

He went to bed at 8 pm. I tried to work but I was just worried about him so I went to bed around 10 and he was still awake. I asked how he felt and he could just told me that he is sicking of fighting to just take a good deep breath without hurting. he's sick of not being able to breathe without feeling like someone is sitting on his chest. He's sick of being sick. He's truly miserable and it just broke my heart in a milion pieces to hear him talk about how he is feeling. He finally fell asleep and I laid with my head on his shoulder and listened to him breathing.

I cried for over 2 hours just laying there listening to him breathing. I'm no doctor, and don't claim to know a damn thing but what I do know is that his breathing doesn't sound normal. You can hear him struggling with nearly every breath and I can't explain to you how I felt laying there. I was terrified to fall asleep...what if he stopped breathing? I wouldn't be able to help him if I was asleep. It was pure torture for me laying there. After about 2 hours of sobbing (he slept through all of it thanks to sleeping pills) and listening to him breathing I just felt this weird sense of calm. I have no idea why but I remembered something that a friend texted me the other day..."Let go and let God" At the time I was annoyed because this certain friend is somewhat pushy with religion when it comes to me. She knows I have so many doubts, so many questions and she knows that I'm just unsure of what my beliefs even are. And to be honest, I don't even have the time to think about what they are lately because the few hours of night that I have when I'm not working or with the kids, I try to sleep.

I repeated that phrase in my head a few times and before I knew it I was praying. Really praying....like I haven't in a very long time. And it didn't feel weird. It felt right. And I haven't been able to say that for a VERY long time. I feel a little better today after my sob session and praying about it.

Maybe I do need to just "let go and let God". It's just hard sometimes because I don't have the time to sort out my feelings or even think about my faith, if I even have one.